Monday, September 7, 2015

From a Mom's Perspective

I'm not usually the one to jump on facebook to complain about things, or say how bad I'm feeling, or how I'm on the edge of whatever... 


This is September. 

This is Childhood Cancer Awareness month. 

This is also Leukemia Awareness month, and it is also THE month 3 years ago that my normally healthy child was diagnosed with this life-threatening disease. 

It was THE month 3 years ago that I became someone else....someone who was somehow chosen to guide my heart, my world, my child...who was 11 years old...and his 7 year old sister....through a journey that would test my faith, strength, determination and courage to a point that no one should have to go through. 

Two and a half years of being on this path, and I thought that we were near the finish line. I just can't explain the giddiness of counting down single digits to BJ's official finish date (1/4/2016). 

But then May 22 happened, and I was witness to two wonderful children, who have already endured so much in their young lives, react to the words "the leukemia is back", and I wanted to throw up. I wanted to scream. I wanted to shut out the world. I wanted to un-hear those words...I wanted to protect my children from those words, but I couldn't, and it tore what's left of my heart into pieces that will never properly fit together again. My children are forever changed because of this stupid disease. They have been thrown into the 'grown up' world where you know things...things, words they should never know as a child. BJ could honestly teach a high school health class by now. And Carly...after 3 years of this journey with her brother, just wants to do something to help. So yes, there are a lot of good days. But there are also a lot of days that I am on the edge of whatever, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm depressed, and sometimes I'm strong, but will randomly cry at the drop of a word about how my kids are, or how I am. Sometimes it's nothing obvious that puts a crack in that dam that holds everything back, and a long hug from Darrell helps put my mind back in a quiet place. 

My head spins with the what-ifs. I squeeze my eyes tight when thoughts...fears go there, as if that will keep it out. 

Most of the time I have to remind myself to breathe. This isn't easy, no matter how easy we may make it look. 

Cancer sucks. It does. I fight everyday for it not to suck the life out of me, BJ and Carly.
So...September, and every other month of the year, I'm aware of childhood cancer. I'm aware, I'm ready to act. I never thought this would be my focus...making sure my child kicks cancer's nasty old ass, and SURVIVES the journey.

It will be a lifelong journey for him.

No one expects to hear the words "I'm 99% sure that your child has leukemia"....Cancer. It happens to 46 kids everyday.
Please share if you would like ... support the provoking of anger against this disease, and donate to the organizations that fund childhood cancer research.

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