Monday, May 22, 2017


May 22, 2015 changed us.

BJ's leukemia was back. It had never really left.

Like the coward it is, it mutated and hid until it had enough numbers to show itself. It was a direct blow to the future we planned and sparked a battle like none other before it. It turned us into raging warriors, fighting the unseen, with the highest stakes hanging in the balance.

I will never forget that day.

I will never forget BJ's reaction after that phone call, and hearing Carly's guttural wail at watching her brother's sheer agony at hearing that news. He lived 289 more days.

This was his Instagram post that evening when we reluctantly arrived at the hospital to start different treatment.

It's been a really hard couple of days with knowing this date was coming...and all the memories that surround it. I've cried until I've thrown up, then cried more. I've been mad at God for letting me down. In church yesterday, they sang a song..."You are good, good...Never gonna let me down." Oh that hit me hard. I do feel like you've let me down, God. I stood firm on your promises of healing, and faith to move mountains, and you still took him. I walked out. That was the pin prick that was about to release everything I have tried to shove down for the past week. I could feel the explosion coming. The tears were already moving out so fast, they never stuck to my cheeks. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I need to do this alone. The explosions are messy. They're ugly. They are raw, emotional, demanding of God to tell me why. They are memories that come back of my little boy, and his happy bluest of blue eyes. His hugs, and more hugs, his talks with me everyday, and every night. Tucking him in, and picking out his clothes...and burying him. He loved me "more than anything". He showed it. He told me often. He worried about me more than himself. He didn't want to leave.

I HATE you cancer. 

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