Sunday, June 18, 2017
The Night Before Camp
Carly is leaving for Camp CARE tomorrow morning. It's her 2nd year going without BJ. I want her to have a good time this year. She was able to be placed in the older girls' cabin, and will be in the same cabin with Zoe. This was important to me, because I felt that Zoe and Carly could develop a strong friendship. Zoe also lost her brother, and Zoe was BJ's girlfriend for a short while after 2014 camp. Zoe has remained in contact with Carly and with me too.
I was looking for something to wear tomorrow, and decided to go get a t-shirt out of BJ's closet. I haven't done that in a while. Carly goes in there every day and gets one of his t-shirts. I picked the Camp CARE shirt that was given out the year BJ relapsed, and they couldn't go. Carly asked me to pull something out for her too. I reached toward the back where his dri-fit shirts are, and pulled out his "I can do all things" shirt by Active Faith Sports. I showed it to her, and she said yes, with a big smile. For some reason I brought it up to my face and smelled it. It caught me off guard, and I stood there breathing him in, and said, oh my gosh, it smells like him. Carly wanted to smell it, too. I tried to hold back the tears. It's been so long since I was graced with his scent. She said, well, we won't wear that one.
I took it back to his closet and fell against the door frame, my head swimming. I stood there, quietly bawling, telling BJ that I miss him SO much, and I still don't understand why it had to be him! I put the shirt back where it was. Then something in my head said...Look at the shirt. "I can do ALL things". It quieted me almost immediately. It was truly like BJ was saying "Hey mom...I'm here. Remember mom...I can do all things."
How was his smell even still lingering in that shirt after all this time? I could understand when I smelled him in his Hollister sweater. Sometimes a sweater can be worn more than once without being washed, but not a short-sleeve t-shirt! Even so, it smelled just like him. Mentally, it took me back to pictures of him in the hospital, wearing that shirt, and giving a thumbs-up and a smile.
I remember, BJ. Thank you for overwhelming me with you.
"I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength."